Sometimes I find myself stuck in a morbid frame of mind. Usually, this can be blamed on my Aunt Flo; she always comes by for like A WEEK and she has no problem inconveniencing me or making me feel fat. That said, this is one of those times. And everywhere I look, there is something that makes me sad, or there is something that makes me think of death, and then I GET sad.
For instance, I was spooning my cat Ember this afternoon, on the couch, underneath a blanket; like you do when you're unemployed, lazy, and your Aunt Flo is visiting. There we were, the two of us, the world's Greatest Lazy Assholes.
Ember was purring insanely loudly, and I could feel it vibrating in my tummy. It was a warm, happy feeling.
Then I thought to myself, self: OMG, what will you do when she dies or has to be put down one day?! You're going to die! How will you survive it?! You might be in your mid to late 30s by then! You could be married! You could have a KID. She will have been with you since Berkeley! OMG WHY MUST SHE DIE ONE DAY?!!?!?!?!
That's what I did. I went and took this beautiful, cozy, love moment…and turned it into that.
And I do this a lot.
Like, the other day… wait… let me transport you there:
It's 68 degrees out, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, birds are chirping, and you totally haven't stepped in ANY dogshit or gum. It's THAT kind of day. And you're walking and smiling and every building looks like it's made of graham crackers and marshmallows. You're practically stopping to gnaw on the buildings, just in case they actually ARE made of graham crackers and marshmallows, in which case you definitely need to be eating those bitches.
Then, if you're me, you think: I love it here. It's so beautiful. I could see me and Adam buying a home here and making our lives here.
THEN, if you're me, it goes here: BUT, omg, how could I ever be that far from my mom?! And my friends?! And my sister?! What if my mom gets sick?! What if my mom is going to die, and I'm here, and I don't get to see her ever again?!
And then that mood is totally ruined.
So you go home, and you stare at your computer for three hours, drink some lemon tea, and stare at your computer screen for three more hours.
Because that's called coping.
And when you're a lady, sometimes that's a lot to cope with.
I hear ya. My mom and I both get that way (ridiculously morbid) about our cats ALL THE TIME. Sucks the big one.
ReplyDeleteI have these types of thoughts often, Jodi. You should have seen me the other day when Ronnie ended up working late ( which i didn't know about) and i tried calling him and he didn't answer. I started thinking something had happened and about what the hell i was going to do with all our stuff, who would i call first, would i move or get a roommate, WTF!! it was terrible. Thankfully he called me about 10 minutes later. Although i had already chewed off all my nails. boo.
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