It's a TRAP: Dating the DSM* Manual Way! (Pt. 9)

Pregnant with Discontent OR The End is the Beginning is the End

If you've gotten this far, major props. I am amazed at how long this story is, particularly given that it only spans about 1.5 years. Writing this has been tremendously cathartic for me, and has helped me to further clarify that I didn't do anything wrong except love too much. That is, I spent a long time being told there was something wrong with me, that I was ruining things, and I definitely took a lot of that to heart. I'm still incredibly sensitive to being told that I am overreacting, which makes it hard to have an honest conversation about when I am ACTUALLY overreacting (I can do that, just like everyone else). I get defensive, I get scared, and I withdraw into myself when someone tries to indicate that I am in ANY way being ridiculous. It's something I carry with me, and it's something I hope to work on.

That said: EG (remember, Ex-Girlfriend) got pregnant. Yup, you heard me right. That "one" (who knows, coulda been more) night of lust while I was crying in FWBs bed led to an unwanted pregnancy. [side note] At the time, I had a lot of anger toward EG, and that anger was sorely misplaced. Now, I feel very sorry for her and realize that she may have received an even more RAW deal than I had. Sure, she was not a very kind or good person. She had been cruel to some of my closest friends, and even Mr. Kite had described her as mean, even vicious.[/side note] But she was pregnant! With his child! That's some serious business.

According to Mr. Kite, she was using this as relationship leverage. Be with me, she said, and I will abort this child. Don't be with me? I'll make your life hell. Let's be honest: I don't believe that, I don't believe it one bit. I don't care how horrible you are, I know there are very few women in this world who would actually use a pregnancy as leverage. That shit is messed up. Is it possible? Yes. But Mr. Kite lies like he's being honest -- lying is his world, it's his CURRENCY, it's how he carries on with his dishonesty and his betrayal as if it's all good.

He also used this pregnancy as leverage with me. He told me that, as soon as things were "taken care of" with her, he was going to be ready for a relationship with me. I kind of bought it, but at this point I was definitely becoming more skeptical and less interested. Oh, and jaded. I was totally jaded.

In the interest of speeding this story along: she had a miscarriage. And he did not want to be with me. Or her. Despite the notes of love she left strewn about (what was now) his apartment. And despite my infinite patience and trust. What he wanted was to go on OK Cupid dates, like any other sane and single man. What he wanted was for us all to GO AWAY. And after a little bit of trying (hey, he said as soon as it was over we'd be together! Right?) I gave up. I moved on.

He still held some sway over me, some magical power. I tried to be friends with him. I tried to include him in my life. I don't even know why now...because when I have run into him in the recent past (in the last 4 years) I have found him so completely pathetic, false, and annoying. He tries too hard with everyone, and he tries too hard to convince himself that he's AWESOME. I finally stopped even remotely attempting friendship when I re-connected with a person (that's a great story, for another time) I'd been extremely into, the person who is now my boyfriend, and with whom I've been ridiculously happy for almost 4 years now.

When I started "dating" A, Mr. Kite was furious. Here's a direct quote from an e-mail he sent me during that time:

"And I finally reached this place, the mental place where yo were
hoping I would get to, so we could work things out mutually, this
place where I'm willing to actually talk about things and work through
them, a place where I'm willing to work to be happy, and you're dating
someone a thousand miles away who looks like abe lincoln. And you
like to tell me about it all the time. And tell me you're emotional
because you miss him. And tell me how I could never be anything for
you because I'm not the person you thought you knew. And tell me I'm
not a good person. And tell me all these things, all the time, every
day, about what and how I am that make me want to just run away to a
place where peple don't know me because obviouslty I'm haeed here.e" (sic, clearly)

Manipulative much? He insults my relationship by trying to insult how A looks (he does resemble Honest Abe somewhat - but what's wrong with that?), the distance (at the time, 3,000 miles), etc. But the most amazing part of it is his attempt at being the victim. His attempt to make me feel bad for his current state of loneliness and isolation. As if he didn't create this world for himself. And in his mind, he didn't.

To this day he tells people that I was crazy, that these stories are inaccurate. I know that there are two sides to everything, but cheating, lying, etc...those aren't matters of opinion. Those are his actions. The subjective is only how they caused me to lose my mind, to hate myself, and to become a groveling mess. Because I loved him, and I was prepared to do anything for love.

And he still preys on women like that. Not long after A had moved out to California to be with me, Mr. Kite started to casually date another, younger woman. She was crazy about him, but when Mr. Kite was asked about his relationship with her, he would say that it was nothing. In fact, during a time while he was telling her she was his girlfriend, he messaged me asking: "If you and A ever break up, do you think we could get back together?" I shit you not. Here he was asking me if I'd consider giving him a beventeenth chance and, If you asked the other girl: they were together and in love.

Soon thereafter, he began seeing another woman in San Francisco and even moved in with her. He kept the two of them separate, and kept the two of them under the illusion that they were his one-and-only. Almost everyone knew what he was doing, and some of us even told the young one what was up, but as I know from experience: you have to figure this shit out for yourself. And eventually they did, but being under his spell they chose to try an open relationship. In the end, that didn't work, and everything exploded on him once again. Kind of. He's still with the younger one, who probably feels like she Won! He chose her! I hope so, so hard, that she figures him out sooner rather than later. But I know from conversations with her that it's unlikely. He's already done about 10 times more awful stuff to her than he did to me, and she still swoons for him.

I am convinced now that Mr. Kite is either an A.) Psychopath or suffers from B.) Narcissistic Personality Disorder (recently removed from the DSM, actually). Here's a brief on these two diagnoses that I proffer:

A.) Psychopath: a mental disorder characterized primarily by a lack of empathy and remorse, shallow emotions, egocentricity, and deceptiveness. Psychopaths are highly prone to antisocial behavior and abusive treatment of others, and are very disproportionately responsible for violent crime. Though lacking empathy and emotional depth, they often manage to pass themselves off as average individuals by feigning emotions and lying about their past. (wikipedia)

B.) Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

--Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

--Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

--Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

--Requires excessive admiration

--Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

--Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

--Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

--Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

--Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes


I leave it up to you to figure out where he fits. Honestly, the two are so similar that it's hard to know. A few things are very clear to me: he lacks empathy, his emotions are shallow, he is arrogant, he often makes grandiose/unrealistic business plans and does not follow through, and he is incredibly interpersonally exploitative.

I will never, ever, let someone exploit me like that again.